True Blood's Best Merchandise

The best True Blood merch short of having a live-in Sookie Stackhouse.

VILF Water Bottle

VILF! If you can't figure out what it stands for, I'm not going to help you. But one of the benefits of being acronym ignorant is getting to use your imagination! V can mean VHS, vagina, or voodoo: really, the world is yours here. Cop one of these aluminum water (or blooood?) bottles for $14.99.

True Love Sookie & Bill Statue

You're better than a cheap-o action figure from the grocery store, ain't ya? Step your game up with this Sookie & Bill statue from DC Direct. Measuring up at over a foot tall, True: Love Sookie & Bill is made of hand-painted, cold-cast porcelain. Beware, though: some assembly is required. Provided that doesn't scare you off, you can nab it here for $195.

Merlotte's Neon Sign

Your home bar could definitely benefit from more neon signage, no matter how many Bud and Corona signs you have up. You could do worse than a replica of the sign outside Merlotte's, Sam's Tru Blood-carrying, paranormal-attracting bar and grill. Judging by Sam's romantic history, you'll be bringing in plenty of exotic ladies who prefer to cavort in various states of undress and/or shapeshifting. Amazon's got it for $77.

Tru Blood Mirror

This'll go perfectly with that Merlotte's neon sign. Just like the booze mirrors behind the bar at the corner joint your dad drank at after work instead of spending time with you, this Tru Blood mirror shills the fake red stuff. You can buy actual True Blood Tru Blood, though it tastes like blood orange instead of regular blood. Living solely on blood red orange juice soda liquid? No wonder vamps go rogue for the real stuff. Sounds delish, but not as a total food replacement. Get it for $48.99 from Big Bad Toy Store.

Cup of Joe Poster

Posters are usually just for dorms and childhood bedrooms, but get a real good one and class it up with a frame, you're good to go into adulthood. This one's a great joke, if you don't think about why the blood would be in a coffee pot. They serve Tru Blood in cold bottles, don't they? Or at least room temperature? Sorry, ruined the fun. I always do that. Fortunately, though, this is the most economical item on the list at just over $6.

Tru Blood Party Lights

A party isn't a party without party lights, right? At least that's what I imagine. I haven't really been to any of those. For your next True Blood viewing party, consider these mini Tru Blood bottle party lights. Just don't bite them open and try to suck the juice out. That would probably taste like electricity. This magical string of ten lights can be yours for $29.99, or $2.999 per light.

I Wanna Do Bad Things With You Necklace

Series fans will already recognize this from the theme's lyrics; non-fans will just appreciate the chance to deliver an overt message to potential suitors. This stamped metal necklace is available on Corso Studio's Etsy store for $12 with free shipping. None too shabby!

Bon Temps Football T-Shirt

If you buy this Bon Temps Football t-shirt, what is Jason Stackhouse going to wear? I'm pretty sure it's the only shirt he owns. I guess he'll just have to stay in his cop uniform full-time, then. It's available for $20 in up to a 3XL. Hey, they don't even charge you more for the big sizes! I like that. We hate having to pay for the extra material.

Headphones

Dig these True Blood headphones by V-Moda. Inspired by the TV series from the interchangable shields to the vial of "blood" on the headphone case, these V-80 phones are no slouch. The kevlar-enforced cables may be a bit of overkill, but this is a highly stylized television program about sexy sex-having vampires we're dealing with. Pretty much anything goes. Amazon's got them for a discounted $199.99.

Fangtasia Hoodie

We're all about repping our favorite fang-banger hanger-outer, and there's plenty of Fangtasia merchandise to split you and your money. You can't buy it all, but you can't deny the appeal of the hoody with the crisp, clean, angled logo. Simple and simply perfect. Get it from the official HBO store for $39.99.

Eric Bust

If we had to cuddle up with a Nordic gentleman, it would definitely be Eric Northman. Not because we're into muscular blonde dudes or anything, it's just that he seems like he'd be great at a sleepover. If you want to have your own Eric Northman sleepover, get this bust from the HBO store for $69.99. We won't tell.

Fantasy Swords

Slice 'em and dice 'em: this applies to both medieval enemies and admiring ladies' hopes and dreams.

Inigo Montoya's Sword

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Be prepared to recite this line plenty of times when unsheathing this Princess Bride replica. Limited to 750 pieces, this sword can be yours for $309.99 from Entertainment Earth. I have never seen its equal.

Demon Rising Battle Sword

Though there are an inappropriate amount of particularly nonsensical, unlicensed Batman swords out there, this bat sword is just about the winged vampire. Specifically, a winged demon vampire who kind of reminds us of the bat queen with the supple boobs from Darksiders. You'll have to paint boobs on this sword if you want them, though. The 47" battle sword will run you a cool $76.22 at Saber and Sword.

Duncan MacLeod's Sword

All swords can cut, but not all swords can decaptitate the otherwise immortal. If you're headed out to a particularly violent and/or Scottish ren fair, hook yourself up with this $300 replica sword from the beloved Highlander flick via Entertainment Earth. If you haven't seen Highlander, do so immediately for the Sean Connery action. If you haven't seen Highlander II, keep it that way. There can truly be only one.

Link's Master Sword

Shucks, bro, you can totally take a Zelda sword to a renaissance faire. It's fantasy, and fantasy stuff is usually medieval, and that's pretty close to the renaissance, if I remember my musty global history textbook correctly. Therefore, by the transitive property, you should probably buy this replica from SwordsSwords and keep it hipside for every occasion, formal and informal.

Arya Stark's Needle

Don't you love the adorable Arya Stark's little but deadly sword, Needle? Sure you do, and you want it for yourself. Be you wee little girl or big fat gentleman. These licensed swords come with a certificate of authenticity signed by Game of Thrones series author George R.R. Martin. Needlework seems a bit more appealing now, eh? Stick 'em with the pointy end for a decent $190 from Valyrian Steel.

Knights Templar Golden Sword

Alright, so 1066 is a little bit removed from the time period for you to take this with you to your sweaty jousting demonstration at the Wisconsin renaissance faire, but knights are knights, right? And the Anointed 1066 Knights Templar Golden Sword from SwordsSwords is nothing but badass. Really, wars are a lot more terrifying when they're religiously motivated. Get yours for a tithing of $60, then see if you can use it to conquer England all over again (spoiler: you will be shot by helicopters).

Dragon Lord Sword

It should go without saying that all bedragonized blades are sharper and deadlier than their plainer, less dragon brethren. Should you make the mistake of going eye-to-eye with either of the two dragon heads on this sword, your codpiece will be irrevocably soiled. Though this piece is advertised as having four moving dragon parts, I can only spot two. Maybe the other two take a secret password or the spilled blood of an enemy to activate? Order your own from Swords Of Might and find out.

Sword of Isildur

There are plenty of awesome replica Lord of the Rings swords out there, but I've got a tender fleshy bit for the Sword of Isildur. The 47-inch sword is modeled directly after the sword seen in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. If it's been awhile since you've seen LOTR, this is the sword Isildur uses to cut the One Ring off of Sauron's hand. Amazon's got it cheaper than others, for just under $100.

Exotath Limited Gold Edition

I haven't bought many fantasy swords, so I've been blissfully unaware until now that fantasy swords with their own extreme backstories exist. Kit Rae's swords have their own fiction, which I didn't know I needed in my high-end fantasy swords but now do. I am partial to Exotath, which can be picked up at CBSwords, which belongs to a dark elf warrior and pretty much expresses how I feel on the inside.

Dragon Scimitar

A sword should have a fancy name like Dragon Scimitar. All the better for striking fear into your enemy's heart before it strikes itself up in there. This unusual red blade is rather purty, and so is the double dragon guard that you can remove from the hilt (in case you want to stick that much more of your sword through somebody). Get yours from $58 through True Swords.

Spider Fantasy Sword

This is the deadliest sword in America. Why? 99% of people would take out a gun and shoot themselves in the face rather than be lightly grazed by a spider that looks like this. This blade does all the work for you, freeing up your thrusting arm muscles for more important things like swinging beer mugs during a rousing Irish drinking song or shooting hoops grandma-style for your Space Jam revival musical. Pick up the Spider Fantasy Sword for only $35 from WeaponMasters.

The Most WTF Bacon Products

Bacon makes everything better, they say. Unfortunately, that's not true. Some things just shouldn't have bacon added to them. In this feature, we'll examine real-life products that are just too much bacon.

Baconnaise

One of the best things about bacon is its consistency - that perfect combination of grease and crunch that literally melts in your mouth. So the idea of perverting that into a mayonnaise-based spread is horrible. Jon Stewart recently latched onto Baconnaise, made by the redoubtable J&D Corporation, as a horrific example of the over-the-top fattification of American cuisine. But do you know what the worst thing about it is? It's vegetarian. There's not a single fleck of bacon in it. Instead it's all tocopherols and gluconic acid. Yum.

Bacon Envelopes

Nobody likes to lick envelope glue - well, except for that weird kid who sat in the back of homeroom and always wore the same sweat pants every day. But I'm not sold on the idea that adding artificial bacon flavor to the sealant flaps is going to make the process any more pleasant. From the fine people at J&D, "Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes" let you send out all of your important correspondance in a bacon-flavored envelope. Reports of dogs attacking mailmen and running off with these envelopes have not been confirmed.

Bacon Mints

There are lot of things that I'd like my mouth to smell like - freshly-printed $100 bills, spearmint, sex pheromones - but I can honestly say that I have never woken up in the morning wishing my breath had the greasy tang of bacon. Luckily, the hard-working lunatics at the Archie McPhee company did, and they created these Altoid-esque breath fresheners that fuse pork essence with just a little hint of mint. Reports from the field call them "the worst candy ever eaten," so buyer beware.

Bacon Vodka

Potatoes and bacon go together just fine on your breakfast plate, but in a cocktail glass? I have to say I'm skeptical. Bakon vodka is, by their estimation, a "superior quality potato vodka with a savory bacon flavor." No chemical additives are used, and drinkers report it's not harsh on the throat like many other novelty vodkas. But the whole point of vodka is that it's as close to tasteless as a consumable spirit can get, making it ideal for a wide variety of mixed drinks. What are you going to make with bacon vodka? Besides a mess of puke in your toilet the next day.

Air Jordans Made Of Bacon

We're going to start moving away from the strictly food-oriented items into some other, less edible uses for bacon. Or at least I hope you aren't supposed to chow down on this pair of Air Jordans made entirely out of crisped hog flesh. I would recommend wearing two pairs of socks if you're going to take these puppies out for a jog.

Bacon Toothpaste

If the bacon breath mints just aren't doing the trick for your outrageous halitosis, why not kick things up a notch with a tube of bacon toothpaste? Guaranteed to leave your mouthhole smelling like a slab of greasy, smoky meat, this tube of paste is probably about as effective for getting your teeth clean as brushing with liquefied Gummi Bears. But who cares, right? It tastes like bacon!

Bacon Lube

If there's one thing you associate with bacon, it's grease. So the concept of a bacon-based sexual lubricant makes scientific sense. It's still just incredibly gross, but at least it makes sense. The bacon-obsessed chemistry maniacs at J&D wanted to add a little sizzle to your bedroom activities, so they created this water-soluble personal lubricant to make your lovemaking smell like the kitchen at Denny's. Don't use it and then bang a chick in the kitchen at Denny's, though. That would be wrong.

Bacon Soda

The Jones Soda company is notorious for releasing some extremely funky flavors - who can forget their Thanksgiving offering of turkey and gravy? - but they went over the top in 2010 with their absolutely disgusting bacon soda. Packing a fizzy mouthful of smoky, greasy flavor, the drink was roundly reviled by everybody who sampled it. Thick, smoky, and revolting, Jones touted it as being an ingredient in a cocktail containing bourbon, cream, soda water and a raw egg. No thank you.

Bacon Bra

If you're already employing the bacon lube in the bedroom, why not kick things up a notch Emeril-style with this sultry bra made of nothing but the finest bacon. Unfortunately, this isn't pre-cooked, so you won't be able to chew it off your ladyfriend's sweater puppies in the throes of passion without possibly getting food poisoning. I guess if it was cooked it might chafe the sensitive nipple areas.

Bacon Lip Balm

Eating all this bacon is well and good, but what if you want to have the taste of meat on your lips all day long? The only real answer is bacon lip balm. All of the bacon flavor without the calories, fat or general obesity, this balm will keep your lips kissably soft. But nobody will want to kiss them because you'll smell like an unwashed frying pan. I guess that will help keep them soft, though.

Bacon Soap

And, finally, we close with the personal hygiene product for the man who just has to have everything smell like bacon. Anybody who's seen Fight Club knows that fat can be rendered into soap, and what kind of food is fattier than bacon? Soapmaker Michael Zary saved all of his bacon grease for weeks before rendering it, adding lye and water, and creating these bars of solid piggy cleanliness. Alas, much of the bacon flavor is stripped by this process, but a combination of essential oils and flavor elements brings it right back.

The Legacy Of Conan The Barbarian

Created by Robert E. Howard, Conan is the archetypal barbarian - strong, silent, and totally willing to chop heads off left and right. Let's take a trip back and see how he's been portrayed across all of our favorite media.

The Phoenix On The Sword

Conan's first appearance in print wasn't even supposed to star him - Robert E. Howard took an unpublished story starring his other fantasy hero, Kull the Conqueror, and rewote it to feature Conan for the December 1932 issue of Weird Tales. It opens with Conan in middle-age, having seized the throne of Aquilonia and growing restless. A group of conspirators wish to kill him and retake the throne, but the machinations of the dark wizard Thoth-Amon might have something to say about that. This story established Conan as world-weary, amoral, and a total badass with a long history, and fans were hooked right away.

The Hyborian Age

One of the things that makes the world of Conan so awesome is its richly-developed setting. The "Hyborian Age" was a lost period in recorded history, after the destruction of Atlantis but before any civilization we now know rose. When Howard sold the first Conan story, he sat down and wrote an eight thousand word manuscript detailing the culture and history of this time, giving his heroes and villains an incredibly well-rendered playground to hack and slash through.

Frank Frazetta

Robert E. Howard only wrote a little over two dozen Conan stories, many of which weren't even published in his lifetime. The character passed through many hands in the world of fiction, including Robert Jordan, Poul Anderson and L. Sprague de Camp. But if we were going to pick one creator who is most linked to the Cimmerian, it's illustrator Frank Frazetta. Frazetta developed the iconic visual look for the character across dozens of book cover paintings, almost single-handedly developing the genre known as barbarian art.

Conan In Comics

It's fair to say that non-superhero comics from Marvel and DC typically don't do very well. The one notable exception was Conan The Barbarian, which ran uninterrupted from 1970 to 1993 - that's almost a quarter of a century of barbarian action. Primarily written by Roy Thomas, the series spotlighted the awesome art of John Buscema, who gave the barbarian a muscular, hard-edged look that has carried forward to this day. The series both adapted classic Howard stories as well as added new tales to the lore, and because it took place in the Marvel universe, Conan met such luminaries as Dr. Strange and Spider-Man every once in a while.

Conan The Movie

Some fans balked at the casting of blonde-haired Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Cimmerian, but really, who could provide the physical presence necessary to make Conan seem like such a badass? Arnold had been in a few films before 1982's Conan The Barbarian, but this was the flick that kicked him into superstardom. With great fights, an amazing score, and John Milius's assured direction, it's one of the best fantasy movies ever made, and features a classic downbeat Conan ending.

Conan The Destroyer

Arnold returned for a second flick two years later, this time directed by Richard Fleischer. Conan The Destroyer is widely seen as inferior to the first flick, which is true, but it did boast a seriously awesome supporting cast - Grace Jones! Wilt Chamberlain! Andre the Giant! - and a stirring climax featuring a horribly twisted mockery of Dagon, the dreaming God of the Old Ones. To tone down the violence, a lot of the action scenes were cut from the theatrical release, which marks the beginning of the unfortunate pussification of Conan.

Conan Animated

The 90s saw a pair of animated series starring the mighty barbarian hit the airwaves. Conan The Adventurer featured a young Cimmerian traveling the world battling Serpent Men and questing to free his parents from an eternity of life as stone statues, and Conan And The Young Warriors, which teamed him up with the bearers of magical "star stones" to protect the Hyborian Age. Both series showed a kindler, gentler Conan more in line with contemporary morals than the rapacious, pillaging barbarian king we know and love.

Conan On TV

The success of shows like Hercules and Xena prompted the O.G. barbarian to return to the airwaves with a syndicated live-action show starring German actor Ralf Moller as the Cimmerian. This will mark the last time we see the chill dude Conan on this list, as after the myriad attempts to soften the character in the 90s, people realized that Conan is only awesome when he's chopping heads and looking out for himself. The show only lasted a single episode, and might mark the nadir of the franchise.

Conan Returns To Comics

After Marvel let the Conan license lapse, there was a fallow period of a few years before Dark Horse picked up the license. They did so with a bang, putting top-flight talent on the books like Kurt Busiek, Tony Harris and Richard Corben. These books are some of the best adventures of the Cimmerian available anywhere, perfectly capturing his honor and his brutality as he rages through his enemies. The artwork is fantastic as well. This sparked a resurgence of interest in Conan that resulted in the character catching a new wave of popularity.

Conan In Video Games

Conan has had a long and checkered history in video games, from a 1984 platformer for the Apple II and Commodore 64 to the recent Age of Conan MMORPG. Some of the games have been good, some have been bad, but they've all given players a chance to step into the Cimmerian's boots. The Age of Conan massively multiplayer online game had some major stumbles early on, but the game seems to have found its feet with a free-to-play version and the combat model is probably the best in any MMO game on the market.

Conan Returns To Movies

And the culmination of all this is the return to the silver screen of Conan, this time played by Game of Thrones star Jason Momoa. The Hawaiian-born Momoa has big shoes to fill, and the flick has been in development hell for nearly a decade, spending seven years stalled at Warner Brothers. A re-imagning of the basic story, the key points are all there: Conan's village is destroyed and he sets out to make life miserable for those responsible. Directed by Norwegian remake machine Marcus Nispel, it remains to be seen how this one will lead Conan into the 21st century.

A huge sculpture in Hamburg

 That's the little mermaid had settled in Hamburg